So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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