Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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