I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
