On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
