somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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