White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
