dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
