Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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