U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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