So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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