Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
