9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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