I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
