when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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