I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
