i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
