Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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