One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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