it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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