You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
