I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
