I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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