You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
