why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
