Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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