i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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