She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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