Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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