Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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