I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
