I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
