I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
