Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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