I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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