The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
