That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
