I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know her cup size but not her name....
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
