you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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