and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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