I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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