I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
