she woke up with a sticky ear
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
