your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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