Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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