my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
