so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
