uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
