my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
