The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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