If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I can't turn off my feet"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
