just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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