apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
