he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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