So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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