I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Someone came in the potted fern
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
